Kelsey is obviously our first run at teenager-hood and for the most part it has been a good run. Being a teen today is so much different then when I was one. I sometimes think I am being over protective and other times feel like I am far to lenient. I can't seem to strike that perfect balance between wanting her to be a kid and make mistakes and wanting her to stay a little kid. It's hard.
We are very open in our house about pretty much everything, nothing is really off limit when it comes to what I will talk about with my kids. We talk about sex, drugs, drinking, etc...for the most part they seem to be very open and are hardly ever embarrassed when asking something, which to me is a good thing.
Here the drinking age is 18. Many of the parties she goes to are ones in which alcohol is present. I struggle with letting her go. I know that she is a good kid with a good head on her shoulders. I know none of her friends are yet driving so the drinking and driving part isn't as much of an issue, although we have drilled it into her head at any given chance.
We were talking on New Year's about kids, alcohol, sex, etc and the views were as different as night and day. Some of our friends were absolutely against their kids going to parties with booze, other's were willing to give their kid a couple coolers as long as they were the one's doing the pick up and drop offs. A few others wanted to turn the 'ole blind eye to the entire thing and figured if they wanted to get a few drinks underage they could do what we all did and sneak it from their parents. Some taught abstinence only and left it at that, other's would drive their child to get birth control if needed, and still other's chose to ignore it was even an issue.
My question is...what will you do? or what have you already done?
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Good question, and one I have tried hard to not have to think about yet. My oldest is only 11, and yet I know there are kids her age that are drinking and doing other things without the parents being aware.
We are very open about talking to our kids about everything. In some ways our drinking/ driving dilemma will happen earlier. For some screwball reason, the driving age here is 14....for a license, not a permit. SCARY. Madi has a friend that is 13, has her permit and has told Madison how she can't wait to go out and drive around. My first gut reaction says NO WAY. I don't feel a kid of 14 has the reasoning capacity to make life or death decisions while driving and then throw into the mix, possible drinking. UGH
But I digress. We enjoy cocktails and beer, but our kids always see us be responsible. We also beat them over the head with the fact that every decision they make today, good or bad, could affect the rest of their lives. Personally, I don;t want booze to be such a forbidden fruit, that my kids are seeking it out at every available party. I also want my kid to know that they can ALWAYS call us to pick them up should they be in a situation that they know is bad. Some mistakes can never be corrected, such as drinking and driving, and I want them to remember that more than anything.
I don't think it is wrong to let your daughter go to a party where there is liquor as long as you can guarantee that she won't get into a vehicle other than yours. That's just my two cents worth. We can't shield our kids from the outside world and influences, but we have to put them in situations that still allows them to stretch their wings and know we are there to ensure they succeed and do the right thing.
After having said all that, it also still comes down to indivdual kids. One of my kids is mature and has demonsrated responsibility and an ability to make difficult decisions and the other kid is not as strong. I guess it is a leader vs. follower mentality.
If anything, you have made me think a lot more about this difficult decision still ahead of us. It is scary and I just want to have a Margarita and forget about it. ;)
Are there parents supervising these parties where alcohol is being served? Since you asked, I think 14 is too young to be at parties where there is alcohol and guys with cars, even if you trust your daughter it is putting her in a possible bad situation that she is too young to handle well and it is not protecting her enough.
I lock my 12 year old in a high, high tower with no door. She also wears a chastity belt. It is triple locked. Oh, and we keep her bald-headed to fend off the Rapunzel escape route.
You only THINK I am kidding.
UGH! I am so glad these questions are far off for me. I know we will be very open about sex. But the alcohol one is so hard! We drink socially, and the kids see us. My instinct is that we would allow them to try sips of what we are drinking, etc, just to try to avoid the taboo. But the party thing I just don't know about. I am going to start praying that my kids are really nerdy and don't get invited. Sure, that will work.
I am like you in the way that I talk about everything - everything, I mean if they are thinking up the question then they deserve a intelligent answer along the level they are asking. Sex does not worry me for some reason, maybe it should - I don't know. I am more worried about alcohol, specifically drinking and driving.
My husband was more exposed to far more alcohol in his home and therefore he drank and has done far more things than I would ever want my kids to know about/try. He never ever wants to drink in front of the kids. I think it comes from his upbringing, he hates it when his parents drink.
My folks were like you and Phil. Friends over, social drinkers, not overly strict (I never did get a full drink from them until I was over age however..heh heh) and when I did something like K did (in your above post) they just had me clean up my puke (don't ask) and woke me up extra early for a family walk. Ouch, lesson learned.
Parents who ignore their kids to handle the situation - thinking back, the kids who flounder without any guidance usually have the biggest issue with alcohol (in my observations).
The drinking at parties plus sex thing scares me. Not consensual sex but assault in various forms. While you may initially trust your circle of guy friends bigger parties tend to bring in the beasts at times. I have been really lucky in my lifetime - but have had friends who
have had some unfortunate experiances. I am not sure if it was because they had a limited understanding of sexuality at the time? For example if a few guys ask you to go for a walk in the woods to smoke a bowl it could be just
about smoking a bowl - but it could also have more implications to it as well. I would and will talk about these scenarios with my daughters as they get older. I think as a older teen who was already sexually active in a long term relationship, and my parents were quite open about sex (though they never condoned it) I always felt more empowered to handle certain situations.
Consensual sex / fooling around between teens the same age does not bother me in the slightest if they
are using protection and are aware of all the consequences/risks & possible emotional consequences. Age 14 would not be cool with me, but 16? It would depend on a lot of things but you can bet we would be talking a LOT about it, or at least I would be...it is not that I take it lightly - I just see it as a part of life. On the other side of things my husband was allowed to have his girlfriends sleep over at a very young age!!?? crazy. When I started dating him he had been in a continuous string of 1 year/2 year relationships since grade 8. It is his biggest regret and he talks about it with Clover all the time -
that he should have taken his youth and put more energy into music & things he liked rather than tending to crazy jealous girlfriends.
Like you my oldest feels comfortable talking about/asking anything of me. It makes me feel good and really that is what I want most of all - rather than to "control" her (or feel like I do) OR ignoring a child's need for guidance.
The sex part doesn't really scare me all that much. Maybe it should. I agree that as long as they understand to the best of their abilities about the emotional and possible physical ramifications for having sex and they do so safely, it isn't that bad, just a normal part of growing up. Not so much at 14 or 15 but by 16, 17, I think I would be less ill by the thought, Phil-not so much.
The teen stuff that scares me more is the drinking and drugs, not so much the innocent experimental aspects but the get-gunned-and- then-get-in-a-car with somone else who is gunned scenario.
That is exactly it for me as well.
I would never promote pot over drinking (or promote anything for that matter) but to tell you the truth I am hoping if they are going to be anything at all it be paranoid pot heads who will not get in a fast moving car.
Back to the topic of sex - yes...Rob is the same way. I can see him butting heads with our girls a lot in their teen years. He is always telling Clover to put a hoodie on - don't wear tight/low cut shirts and Clover is about as Disney as they come at the moment.
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