I am not sure what has changed but for the last few weeks I feel different, in my groove so to speak. It is no secret that I have struggled since Wil came home. The change in my family, the logistics of five kids, the new sibling rivalry, and not to mention the enormity of what needs to be done on a daily basis to keep a family of seven going. I have felt exhausted, at times remorseful, occasionally over my head, and quite honestly just not myself. Bringing Wil home was an amazing experience and if you can believe it, yesterday marked nine months home! But in addition to being an amazing experience it was one that left me feeling empty, guilty, and not myself. The dynamics of my "perfect family" changed overnight and in my own naivety I was left not knowing what to do. Wil coming home home was not a seamless transition. It was full of ups and downs. It was significantly more difficult than I anticipated. While everyone around me gushed over him and fell in love right away I was left with none of those same feelings. I felt nothing to tell you the truth. The nothingness was quickly replaced with animosity and then not to be outdone, guilt followed shortly after. I constantly asked myself when things were going to get better. When was I going to feel like this little guys mother and not his babysitter.
The past few weeks have been strangely different. I feel rejuvenated, in my groove. I feel like some weird dark cloud has been lifted and FINALLY I am me again. This isn't to say that everything is perfect but man, is it better! I am not sure if its the fact that Spring is here and the sun is out or if it has anything to do with having my IUD, which released progesterone, removed...or what, but I feel good. Oh and if you are wondering about the IUD, NO we are not having anymore babies!! I had begun researching it and to my surprise found that thousands of other women were having side effects from it. I have had it for four years and until I read more about it I didn't even realize I did have side effects! Since having that bad boy out I feel entirely different. I lost a few pounds of belly fat right away, my mood got better, and my hair stopped falling out!! Now to convince Phil to get snipped....
So all in all things are really good around here. Wil is potty training right now and is getting very good at making it to the "hotty". The relationship between Sam and Wil is getting better and they seem to like each other more and more. The older three kids are awesome, loving school and their friends. Our house has been framed and is getting windows installed as I type this. I am slowly working away at my list of things around here that need to be done before we sell. Phil and I booked an escape to Vegas in July with NO KIDS!! Life is good....
11 comments:
I'm so glad things are on the up and up for you. Thank you for your honest and frank description of life since Wil came home. Although we still wait, I already worry about the transition and how I will handle it. Reading other people's reactions help me prepare for the possibilities of what it will be like for us.
Cliff had the big "V" done a few years back. Here's what convinced him:
-Vicodin
-All the movies he wants for a full weekend
-Being waited on hand and foot
Admittedly, I kind of fell through on the waiting on hand and foot end of things. I did always make sure he had a nicely frozen bag of peas available, but that was about it. I figure if I was up and about making dinner 36 hours after giving birth to a nearly 10 lb kid, with a billion stitches holding my chacha together from the birth trauma, he could handle recovering from 2 itty bitty stitches.
Nice wife am I, huh?
Hi Jen,
Glad to hear your finding your groove. It's not an easy transition & when you are in the midst of it you feel like such a loser; as no one seems to talk about this. I'm sure if everyone were more honest you would see lots of other stories just like yours about how hard this transition is on the whole family.
Just take things one day at a time, plus you have so many other changes hanging over you as well.
We still struggle some days but slowly things are falling in place. Now I know why women should have children young because I must admit I am exhausted constantly. Working full time & having four dependants just seems to suck the life out of me some days.
I lost your phone number so give me a call sometime & we can meet up for coffee.
Hugs, Laur
I always appreciate your honesty when it comes to the adoption stuff. I am really glad things are looking up for you and everything is finding its place.
I had not idea there was side effects from an IUD? Crazy - long ago when I had one I had little patches of hair fall out (so fricken embarrassing) and now I am wondering if it was related. I thought it was just some weird school stress thing.
Rob had a vasectomy and recommends it to all his friends. Not nearly as bad as one might think, I think the sounds were the worst part! (mmmmm nothing like cutting through
some chewy tubing)
I am excited to see some pics of your new house!!
Take care!
Mandy
Sarah, I should probably clarify...Phil had the big V after Grace was born and after much convincing had it reversed in the Summer of 2003, to give us our Sammy. The reversal was horrible...after months of swelling (like, ginormours, inhuman swelling) and three additional surgeries...he was back to normal. Convincing him to allow a doctor near his nether regions again may prove difficult!
Like the others have said, I appreciate your honsety. While I have yet to experience actually having children home I can't imagine what a huge adjustment it will be for us. Thanks to you, on the really bad days I will know what I'm feeling is normal. I'm also glad you're getting your groove back.
I am SO SO SO thrilled to read this post!!! YAY!! Honestly, Jen, I feel like crying. Good for you. ((hugs)) and we MUST chat or get together. I think this time, screw the tea or whatever we had and let's get some DRINKS happenin.
Oh and PS, I have been trying to convince Reg to get snipped for the last year. And OF COURSE he has been asking around and is being told all of the horror stories. I'm still working on him. Let me know what tips the scales for Phil.
you are not alone.... mine is finally turning around.. drugs help.
M, really? I always thought you handled it all so well, in a stride.
Ahh, that's right, I forgot about all of Phil's reproductive adventure. I can certainly see where anything from here on out that has to do with his private parts and a doctor are not negotiable.
I also appreciate your honesty about the adoption stuff. I think you are speaking what so many people are afraid to say out loud. I know I had similiar feelings with Jafta for the first year - especially the "babysitting" feelings. It just takes time.
We are totally looking into the snippage for Mark. I can't wait to have that over and done with!
Not attaching to your child is the scariest, most guilt inducing thing I have ever experienced. It lasted about 3 1/2 weeks for me, and we were still in Ethiopia... I have never felt so utterly alone and lost. But, then one day, the love (in place of "duty") just showed up, and it has never stopped growing. Wil is ultra-cute and i am glad you found your groove, Stella! :)
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