Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Confessions of a stay at home mom....

So often I read blogs in which the author spends the majority of the time patting themselves on the back for being the amazing parent they are, or at least that is what they want us to believe. These posts are laced with subtle hints of superiority and a dash of passive aggressiveness. I, on the other hand know full well that on certain days my parenting skills suck and the following are just a few confessions of this stay at home home...



I don't like to volunteer at the kids school. I know that sounds horrible but I despise it. Your job as a classroom volunteer is to be the teacher's bitch. In fact, I think the term "classroom volunteer" should be officially replaced with "teachers bitch". Why the heck would I want to get out of bed, put on make-up, and do may hair only to spend three hours photocopying, stapling, and listening to illiterate children read? And am I the only one who thinks schools stink? They all smell the same, a combination of white glue, sawdust, and farts.

I take my kids to the park so I can pretend to be a good parent when in fact I am there to ignore them, facebook from Blackberry, and get a tan. I don't play on the equipment and I don't play rousing games of tag. Going to the park is an experienced parents tool of acceptable neglect.

I steal from my kids. I take their candy at Halloween, Easter, and Christmas. When they were small and Great Aunt Dorothy sent them some Birthday cash, it went in my pocket. I rationalize this with the fact that a) they are too young to notice and b) I am footing the bill for the party so I am just recouping some of my losses.

I will blame any small and non-verbal child in the room if I should happen to pass gas. They cannot argue and I avoid unnecessary embarrassment.

I do my kids homework. I am not talking about day to day homework. I am referring to the big, ridiculous projects kids are given. Projects that are way past their abilities and attention spans. Any teacher that gives an eight year old a project on the Gross Domestic Products of Asia is asking for Mom to do it.

There are times I make my day seem far more hectic than it really was just to make my husband feel bad and tell me to go sit on the couch for the rest of the night. I figure my harried and crazy days are worse than his and mine usually involve poop which in itself is worth a night of doing nothing and sitting on the couch.

So now.....what are some of your mom confessions?

9 comments:

Thomas said...

Thanks for saying what I have only muttered to myself. When I buy the kids news toys I am not doing it to see the joy on their faces. I do it to buy me some peace and quiet. This mom stuff is not for the weak, it's tough stuff.

Sarah said...

We call it the "Candy Tax." We usually remove it from their bags, Easter Basket and Santa stockings during the Safety/Quality check. You can never be too sure about that Easter Bunny's candy, ya know. . .

Steph, G's Mom said...

LOL I am SO SERIOUSLY at the park to use my blackberry.....i was gleeful when G finally got used to waltzing right up to kids and saying 'Can i play with you??" cuz man did that free me up!

Now i can even get her to go play with strange kid while I sit at the edge of the park in the car when the blackberry is out of battery and it has to sit on the charger. YAY!!!

steph

Kristen Howerton said...

Okay, I think we are the same person.

Every part of your list is true for me. Every part.

The only outings I ever do with kids always have a hidden agenda. I like taking them to the beach because they play in the sand while I get a tan and talk on the phone. But I refuse to take them swimming or actually get in the water.

My MIL has offered numerous times to buy our family Disney passes but I don't want to go because it's just too much work. I don't even want a pass that makes me feel like I should go.

I totally steal my kids candy. I also do nothing creative whatsoever for any holiday and my MIL takes pity on my kids and does the easter egg dying, gingerbread house making, bla bla bla.

I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT until all my kids are in school.

I could go on . . .

Kristen Howerton said...

Have you seen this blog?

http://www.seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

It is a parody of the "perfect mom blog" and cracks me up.

Proudmama said...

Hi there, I'm a new reader to your blog and I'm so glad that I found you (through Lisa's blog)! Totally relatin with ya!

My confession- I'm THRILLED that the weather is nice because now my kids can play in the backyard while I sit on the deck and surf the net on my laptop while my kids blissfully pour sandbox dirt over each others heads and I throw out random encouraging words so that my nosy neighbours think that I'm an active participant in my childrens playtime. Really the comments are really random and more often that not don't relate to what my children are doing.

Ahh... that's a weight off my chest. :)

Courtney

Ericka said...

ohmygosh, I'm laughing too hard to think.....

Laurie said...

Sometimes I make them nap when they are not tired, but I am tired of listening or tending to them.

I keep a strict bedtime schedule in the evenings for the same reasons.

Ahhhhh - all the mothers dirty laundry being aired.

Candy is always confiscated.

Laurie said...

Oh forgot to add -

I LOVE working full-time away from the house & kids. I am not a good stay at home mom. I am way too old & crabby for that.

I get to see them for a couple of hours every night & it makes us all very happy.