Poop re-visited....again.

I love my life. I love my life. This is the mantra I sometimes tell myself, especially when the day is not going so well. As some of you may remember Sam was not feeling so well en route to Mexico last month. He threw up on the plane and had some other...ummm..GI issues as well. While the vomit fest was only at 25 000 feet the other issue has stuck around for quite a while now. After about two weeks of diarrhea I figured our best bet was to take him in to the doctor to see what was up...or down...or whatever the case may be. I called my family doctor on Friday afternoon and he made me an appointment for 8:40 on Monday morning.

I should have known that Monday was going to be a stellar day when I awoke to about 15 cm of fresh snow. Great. While I am quite confident in my winter driving skills my confidence in the other morons on the road is not so great, so Phil took Sam in for me. I figured if Sam was going to get a stool sample done then maybe he should grab a requisition for Wil while he was there. Now by this point I should be an expert in the art of crap collection and if I do say so myself I have refined my technique and would challenge anyone in a crap catching contest...but this is where the day gets a bit more complicated. My dear doctor informs Phil that he is going to Costa Rica on Friday and if we want the results before he goes the sample has to be at the lab by close on Monday, the same day.

For some strange reason he does not have the collection supplies at his office and I have to drive to the lab to pick up the kit before I can even begin the fun of scooping. Phil heads to work and I am thrilled when Wil rises to the challenge and poops his diaper. Only problem is no kit. Being the well versed crap collector that I am I wrap up the diaper, double bag it in the two freezer bags and put it in my purse. I get the boys cleaned up and dressed, look at my watch and figure if we really hurry we can get to the lab, transfer the poop from diaper to container, and still get Sam to school on time. I throw the kids in the car and drive through the 15 cm of snow to the lab. When I get there I find out quite quickly that there is no parking, or no good parking. My options are park 10 minutes away with a four year old who hates to walk, a two year old wearing Robeez and a purse of poop....or park in the "Seniors Only" parking. I run through my options, weighing the risk of leaking poop, screaming kids, and wet snow with the moral dilemma of stealing a spot from a senior citizen. The choice only takes a second and I pull into the seniors spot. I tell myself that there is still one free senior spot so unless there is a huge influx of old people I should be ok. After all there was no spot reserved for "Crazy-Mother's-with-Steamer's"... As I get the boys out of their car seats a man in a minivan pulls into the spot beside me and proceeds to help his old and frail mother from the car. I do what I can to avoid any and all eye contact.

We make it into the lab, grab the collection kits and head to the public washroom down the hall. I am now faced with two choices: scoop the poop right there on the counter by the sink or cram into a stall with the boys and do the dirty work there. I choose the stall for fear of some poor unsuspecting woman coming and seeing what I was about to do. We all get into the stall and I unwrap the diaper on the floor, just in time for another woman to come in and park herself in the stall beside us. When Sam sees the poopy diaper and his mom scooping poop with a plastic spoon he begins to dry heave. He also chooses to yell "put the poop away, Mommy". I am sure the woman beside us was wondering what the hell we were doing. I manage to fill both containers, Sam avoids throwing up from the sight and Wil discovers the toilet lid, which is making me gag just thinking about it. We deposit the poop at the lab and lower our heads as we file into our car in our special spot. Poop #1 collected. Mission accomplished.

I then spend the rest of the afternoon trying to convince Sam to poop in a Tupperware container that I am holding under his bum on the toilet. Nice visual I know. He is horrified and refuses to go. I resort to begging, then bribing, then putting him in a diaper. He holds out and refuses to go. I look at the clock and see that it is now 7 pm and the lab closes in an hour. I declare defeat, turn on the bath and put Sam in. The warm water must trigger the poop nerve because as soon as was in he was out and running to the toilet. I begged him to let me put the Tupperware under him but he refused. I finally placed the container on top of the water and hoped he had good aim, and man does that kid pull through when you need him to! I looked at the clock, 7:15....45 minutes til lab closing. I called Phil who was 5 minutes away, threw on my gym clothes, and met him at the door, poop in hand. I got to the lab, deposited my sample....VICTORY!!!

It wasn't until I was at the gym and running on the treadmill that I started laughing and realized how completely gross my day was. Can you imagine telling yourself when you were 18 that you would do this?

Bad news...both boys have Giarrdia. I guess my anal-neurotic sanitary practices finally gave way and Sam got it. I thought Wil may have been in the clear but I guess he has trick poop and it deceived me into thinking it was ok.....

Now, flagyl for two....

I love my life. I love my life. I love my life......

By the way, the Tupperwar did go into the garbage and not into anyone's lunchs.